Crash

I have read the same paragraph three times.
I put the book down.
My mind is elsewhere.
My body is in the bathtub, almost suicidal, almost calm.
What I want now is unknown.
What I wanted as recently as yesterday
is no longer on the sweet buffet of choices.
I am disconnected.
I am a meat sack full of ugly.
I am able to recall being here before:
hopeless, futureless, unable to feel.
Also, I can remember the many times
I have conscientiously appreciated
that I was reborn into the world
to enjoy the song on the radio,
to plant an acorn,
to swim in the river,
to read poetry in the bathtub…
I Google neurotic
to see if I can claim something for my own.
Even if it’s only a word. It’s an imperfect fit. I am no one.
Identity doesn’t know what to make of me.
I am the cliché of the unrecognizable figure in the mirror.
I want so little.
I need so little.
And I have asked for it–this small golden prize
that is too heavy for anyone to lift into my arms.
Love me. Save me. I’m holding out my hand.

 

 

 

 

 

DeMaris
7-15-19

Published by demarisgaunt

I currently live in Greenwood, Indiana. I love to listen to music, books on CD, podcasts or NPR as I work in my studio.  My favorite artists are Andrew Wyeth and Edward Hopper. I love poetry, but only the good stuff that isn’t so abstract I can’t understand it. Abstraction better lends itself to visual art, I think. Stephen Dunn is my favorite poet. He’s said just about anything that can be said about the inner workings of the heart and mind. My favorite novel is Atonement by Ian McEwan. My all time favorite band is The Cure. I love science, and anything that relates to how the mind works. I don’t believe in the supernatural. If I could meet anyone in the world, it would be Richard Dawkins or Steven Pinker. If you don’t buy my art or read my poetry, buy one of their books. It will enrich if not change your life.  My favorite things to do are hiking, kayaking and camping. My favorite food is so common, I’ll keep you in suspense (It starts with a P). I prefer chocolate to vanilla. Green is my favorite color. I have an aversion to planning or scheduling of any kind, and I live for spontaneous adventures! Telephone conversations make me anxious, and I avoid them at almost all cost. I had a happy childhood. I’m having a pretty fantastic adulthood. I have every intention of seeing my 100th birthday, after which I will happily relinquish my guts to the future of medicine. Cheers! ~DeMaris

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