No Answer

I am gathering up the words
for what it means to be—
what it feels like to be—to be what?
Lost?
Left?
Hurt?
Used?
Betrayed?
Mistaken?
The words I want to say to you are ugly—
they contain a meaning that opposes love.
The words I want to use
are the antithesis of love
because there is no more of it in me.
I want the words I feel to grow
wings
wheels
weight
I want them to steamroll your stupid lunch,
infect your stomach with angry butterflies,
to make you feel sick with guilt
for telling me what you told her
and her
and her
and her
and her
and there are probably even more hers—
interesting hers—
and that should be all I need to know
to get on with things,
to go back
to what can never again be normal
because you’re the kind of man-scum
that poisoned my future by being perfect—
by baiting me with humor
and the kind of thoughtful intelligence
that raised the temperature
in all those rooms
where I ended up naked
beneath your unholy perfection,
which, really, should have been the only
red flag
I needed to see
in order to know that words like
tears
burn
agony
misery
suffering
heartbreak
would create the tall tower
from which I would wave this white flag—
but you want me to stay put
out of the way
out of your way
after you had your way
after you decided it was time to move on—
and all I asked for was
an answer
a why
a reason
an explanation
a how could you do this to me
again?
Please please please
please
please
pleeeeeeeeeeze
don’t make me ask again
don’t make me turn this into another poem
no one will care about or read—
floating in the vicinity of your compassion
which
clearly
no longer encompasses me.





*****
DeMaris
12-3-2020

Published by demarisgaunt

I currently live in Greenwood, Indiana. I love to listen to music, books on CD, podcasts or NPR as I work in my studio.  My favorite artists are Andrew Wyeth and Edward Hopper. I love poetry, but only the good stuff that isn’t so abstract I can’t understand it. Abstraction better lends itself to visual art, I think. Stephen Dunn is my favorite poet. He’s said just about anything that can be said about the inner workings of the heart and mind. My favorite novel is Atonement by Ian McEwan. My all time favorite band is The Cure. I love science, and anything that relates to how the mind works. I don’t believe in the supernatural. If I could meet anyone in the world, it would be Richard Dawkins or Steven Pinker. If you don’t buy my art or read my poetry, buy one of their books. It will enrich if not change your life.  My favorite things to do are hiking, kayaking and camping. My favorite food is so common, I’ll keep you in suspense (It starts with a P). I prefer chocolate to vanilla. Green is my favorite color. I have an aversion to planning or scheduling of any kind, and I live for spontaneous adventures! Telephone conversations make me anxious, and I avoid them at almost all cost. I had a happy childhood. I’m having a pretty fantastic adulthood. I have every intention of seeing my 100th birthday, after which I will happily relinquish my guts to the future of medicine. Cheers! ~DeMaris

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