Somebody Tell Me How

I keep thinking about it
wondering
asking myself what it all meant—
all that time,
that waiting for him,
all that investment,
all that believing I could believe him—
I believed him
when he said what he said—
when he said he had always loved me.
What lesson is mine?
What have I learned?
How have I grown?
What is the takeaway here?
How do I find the peace he wished me
when he’s done everything in his power
to withhold peace from me
by telling me, yes,
everything
he ever told me was true—
no, he never gave up on us.
No, he said.
Cruel, he said, is what it would be
if he made another promise
he couldn’t keep.
All I see are promises
he could so easily keep.
Tell me to move on, I said.
He told me to move on.
How do I move?
How do I move on?
How do I move on
when I still can’t picture my life
without him in it?
How can he picture his life without me?
Somebody tell me how to go on
how to live
how to wake up with hope
when I lay down every night
without it.

*****

DeMaris
12-16-2020

“Daisy by the River” by T.C. Steele, 1891

Published by demarisgaunt

I currently live in Greenwood, Indiana. I love to listen to music, books on CD, podcasts or NPR as I work in my studio.  My favorite artists are Andrew Wyeth and Edward Hopper. I love poetry, but only the good stuff that isn’t so abstract I can’t understand it. Abstraction better lends itself to visual art, I think. Stephen Dunn is my favorite poet. He’s said just about anything that can be said about the inner workings of the heart and mind. My favorite novel is Atonement by Ian McEwan. My all time favorite band is The Cure. I love science, and anything that relates to how the mind works. I don’t believe in the supernatural. If I could meet anyone in the world, it would be Richard Dawkins or Steven Pinker. If you don’t buy my art or read my poetry, buy one of their books. It will enrich if not change your life.  My favorite things to do are hiking, kayaking and camping. My favorite food is so common, I’ll keep you in suspense (It starts with a P). I prefer chocolate to vanilla. Green is my favorite color. I have an aversion to planning or scheduling of any kind, and I live for spontaneous adventures! Telephone conversations make me anxious, and I avoid them at almost all cost. I had a happy childhood. I’m having a pretty fantastic adulthood. I have every intention of seeing my 100th birthday, after which I will happily relinquish my guts to the future of medicine. Cheers! ~DeMaris

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