There’s no musical residue that accompanies the memory— it’s more like deer-in-the-headlights silence— just the thirty-minute play beginning to end and in between I was in the spotlight on autopilot, five years old. I only had one line— and I delivered it like a gift I didn’t want to give away, wrapped in stiff monotone without emotion, the light still blinding my hazel eyes. I wasn’t sure if I had said everything I was supposed to say and to this day I can see myself: bare rigid knees like knots bulging just below the hem of my green velvet skirt, holiday pageantry glittering in my periphery. A friend who did not feel a similar trauma linked to the performance took my hot wet hand, led me to the next act, let go, and from there I was a statue seeing through the bokeh of tears, all-at-once ashamed that I paid no attention during the rehearsals— and for the first time in my life I accomplished a failure that would teach me how much humiliation it would be possible to survive.
I currently live in Greenwood, Indiana. I love to listen to music, books on CD, podcasts or NPR as I work in my studio. My favorite artists are Andrew Wyeth and Edward Hopper. I love poetry, but only the good stuff that isn’t so abstract I can’t understand it. Abstraction better lends itself to visual art, I think. Stephen Dunn is my favorite poet. He’s said just about anything that can be said about the inner workings of the heart and mind. My favorite novel is Atonement by Ian McEwan. My all time favorite band is The Cure. I love science, and anything that relates to how the mind works. I don’t believe in the supernatural. If I could meet anyone in the world, it would be Richard Dawkins or Steven Pinker. If you don’t buy my art or read my poetry, buy one of their books. It will enrich if not change your life. My favorite things to do are hiking, kayaking and camping. My favorite food is so common, I’ll keep you in suspense (It starts with a P). I prefer chocolate to vanilla. Green is my favorite color. I have an aversion to planning or scheduling of any kind, and I live for spontaneous adventures! Telephone conversations make me anxious, and I avoid them at almost all cost. I had a happy childhood. I’m having a pretty fantastic adulthood. I have every intention of seeing my 100th birthday, after which I will happily relinquish my guts to the future of medicine.
Cheers! ~DeMaris
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One thought on “The First Survival”
Yeah, been there. Life is tough for a sensitive kid.
demarisspeaks 
Yeah, been there. Life is tough for a sensitive kid.
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