Exchange

For peace, she is willing to take a pill every day that will take away her pleasures her poetry her creativity because it will also take away want and wish and turn love into something benign, undesired— something she used to be capable of. DeMaris 3-10-2022

My Estranged Relationship with Hope

I read a poem online. It was about loss. It wasn’t good. I write bad poems too, so I don’t judge the confusion of others who do the same thing I do to cope grieve lose, ungracefully, everything. This life is easy before it’s hard. But it was hard before it was easy. It’s aContinue reading “My Estranged Relationship with Hope”

In the Morning

The coffee is a pleasure, small, looked forward to like the flowers outside in need of water— what a joy it is to give them a drink, to prune the spent blossoms in order to have more— and the neighbor waves as she walks by, her dog impatiently pulling her along into the golden day.Continue reading “In the Morning”

Retrospective

How wrong I wasfor so longto make you the center of my life—to believe that one dayyou would close the distancethat contained the reasonfor your absence.And while I was waitingyou scattered bits of your lovelike milkweed—and roots grew elsewhere.Now I wishI hadn’t been so faithfulwhen someone who knew I loved youwanted to take me intoContinue reading “Retrospective”

Just a Little Lost

Anthony Bourdain. Kate Spade. Robin Williams. Chris Cornell. Suicide by hanging, all. There are others, of course. Many famous, even more not famous. My first reaction after the shock and sadness for their families is, “Balls of steel.” My default position has never been to blame them. Or to accuse them of selfishness. Or toContinue reading “Just a Little Lost”

With the Dead

It’s a cold night almost Christmas and I am wishing it would all be over when I find myself stuck in traffic driving slow parallel to the ancient iron fencing between me and the cemetery and I pull in as if someone is calling my name from behind the skeleton trees and I follow theContinue reading “With the Dead”

Where I Am

  I know something you don’t know about the darkness that covered our yesterday. It wasn’t the sky that forgot to shine or the inconsiderate clouds that hovered so close we could walk into and through their gossamer hearts— it was an accumulation of emptiness you have filled me with— finally spilling out onto theContinue reading “Where I Am”

Breaks

You can cruise along for months if not years through the peaceful landscape of your daily life— greeting your loved one in the morning, touching them in loving and affectionate ways, talking and laughing easily for miles and miles until something breaks inexplicably in the system.  It’s the engine. Some tangle in the gears. AndContinue reading “Breaks”

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline ~ 1-800-273-TALK(8255)

You’ve memorized the phone number even though it’s only been three days since things went south— since it was made clear to you how much better things would be if only you were someone else. If only you didn’t cause so much embarrassment by posting so often on Facebook. If only you’d stop asking everyoneContinue reading “National Suicide Prevention Lifeline ~ 1-800-273-TALK(8255)”

The Great Escape

Some days some moments— (this day this moment) I am sober— I am usually so sober I am imploding silently— have imploded silently for so long I can’t make it anymore to that ledge— to that edge I know is out there— if only I could climb back to that ledge— to that edge IContinue reading “The Great Escape”